theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
