weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
