dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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