Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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