take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
