shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
