I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
