Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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