Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
