dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
