There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
