I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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