Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
