Please, let me fuck your mom
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
