Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Can you bring me the toilet please
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
