she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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