Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
