when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
