If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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