I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
