I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
