im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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