i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
