Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He felt like a one man threesome
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
