It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
did i walk over a car last night?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
