He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
