life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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