the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
