I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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