hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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