Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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