he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
