my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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