I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
