first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
