this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
