I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
