my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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