He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
