He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
