you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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