Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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