my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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