Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
