I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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