I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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