if you like me you must not know who I am
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
