so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
