GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I have aggressive nipples.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
