I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
