Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
