mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Randomize
